No Thoughts Just Feelings on Holly's 20th Birthday

As many of you know, December 10th, 2015 is the day we received the news that Holly had a brain tumor. On December 12, the day of her 14th birthday, she exited surgery and a grueling 7-month process began that ended in tragedy. In many ways, it feels like yesterday when that was happening and in other ways, it seems those six years were a lifetime ago.

I remember the day Holly was born so vividly. I was asked when did I want to be induced, December 12th or 13th? I had a choice and chose Wednesday the 12th, which was also my mother's birthday. Looking back on it now, I should not have chosen a Wednesday birth as we all know the saying, "Wednesday's child is full of woe." After looking up "woe" in Webster's dictionary, I found the word to be defined as full of deep suffering from misfortune, affliction, or grief. In any event, Holly's birth was by far the easiest of my three children. I went into the hospital calmly and pain-free for my scheduled procedure. It was only a few hours and two pushes later when she was born. She was beautiful.

She was such an easy baby, and I'm not just saying that now because I only remember the good moments, lol. Honestly, by the end of the first week she was already sleeping through the night. She was wonderful immediately and it never changed. There were plenty of times throughout her life that I felt she was too good for me. I know that sounds funny, but she was so kind, so loving, so generous of heart, talented, and such a bright light for all around.

Her death truly crushed me. Many friends would comment that I seemed strong and mentioned how they admired that I could build Hands for Holly to help others through the tragedy. When those comments were uttered, I appreciated the words, but knew the truth. I was not strong, I was compartmentalizing to function. I was heartbroken beyond comprehension. I was lost.

Six years later I look back upon that time and reflect on precious Holly. I think of her birth, her childhood, the sheer joy she brought me. I miss her. I will always miss her. I also think of the time since she left this world and how it has irrevocably changed me. The changes are not all bad, but there will always be a deep sadness that will never leave.

The last six years have also been a blessing for many families through the Fund and the generosity of our amazing donors. When Holly and I began the organization we never knew if it would secure enough funding to help even one family. To think we have raised over $1 Million is a testament to God and his will being done through this work.

I wonder what lies ahead. Do we continue in the work or have Holly's wishes been granted? Is it enough, should we move on? I believe Holly is proud of the work, but that she simply wants what she has always wanted for those around her; peace, joy, contentment, love. I seek those things now and rest assured that they are attainable despite Holly's loss in my life and this world.

My precious daughter is still as loved today as the day she was born and that will never change. Happy Birthday baby, I love you.